In any case, today's PV to skew for the 11th installment is PV # 27, One Love.
...know how I keep saying, "This PV is terrible, it's probably their worst, it makes them look like chewed up dogmeat and probably reversed sales?"
I need to stop saying that because A) Aiba Masaki never looks like chewed up dogmeat. Unless you cut his hair too short. And B)
...it's not true.
The worst PV ever released by Arashi is the one that came out early this summer, One Love. No, there aren't any shiny outfits or water torture like Lucky Man; nor is there PARTICULARLY AWKWARD PUBERTY! or psychedelic surprise buttsechsing. Instead, technically speaking, One Love is hardly a promotional video at all.
Here, let me explain:
The theme is bucolic weddingness. But as there is no such thing in Japan, at least not in the sense that One Love wants to promote, everything must be supplied with Computer Graphics! Everything in this video is fake, fake, fake. There are no real doves. No real cake. No real hills. No real sunshine. And I'm guessing at least 2/5ths of Arashi were computer generated as well.
This may or may not save money but when you generate everything, the temptation to play with your subject matter is just too great.
And thus...
Whoever edited this PV couldn't resist playing around with Photoshop. Know how some people take pre-existing pictures and then run them through a few photoshop filters to fuzzy them up and give them "texture" and then post them as digitally rendered fanart?
Editor: 8D I maded a PV for you!
I'll admit, I could have sought out a higher quality copy of One Love, but honestly, it wouldn't have helped much. Their faces really are this "digital fanart rendered"-ed.
And either it seemed like a good idea at the time, or someone came to the shoot bad ugly, or as I suggested before, a couple of them didn't show up at all and the only way to sneak in some animated facsimiles was to make everyone else look just as bad.
Because really
I don't think Sho would put his approval on something that brings back to mind the time he was playing the board game on Arashi no Shukudaikun's first Christmas episode, where he had to have his nostrils painted up:
Sho knew it wasn't pretty then, I'm sure he knew it wasn't pretty a year and a half later.
Worse yet
Aiba's hand could have been digitally inserted into his pants. We will never know!
Though Sho and MatsuJun's expressions suggest otherwise.
I think.
Those too could have been digitally inserted.
I suppose now I should take a moment out to explain One Love, because if you're still new to Arashi or a non Arashian, you might be confused as to why the theme is bucolic wedding. I guess it depends on how familiar you are with Japanese Pop Videos; Arashi might come out dressed up like flamingos and kick each other in the nuts for four minutes and you wouldn't bat an eye...
(Quick, someone call Johnny - I've got a great idea for their next PV! And if they won't do it, I bet NEWS will!)
One Love was the theme song for this summer's Hana Yori Dango Final, the movie conclusion to the wildly successful HanaDan series, which saw two incarnations on television. Arashi did the theme songs for the two tv series as well, while Matsumoto Jun starred as
Point being, I'm sure the members of Arashi were well aware of the video concept during filming. So
If everyone else looks a little bored and blase while MatsuJun seems a tad smug, there's a reason.
MatsuJun: HanaDan Final has made how much money now?
MatsuJun: 7.7 billion!
MatsuJun: 7.7. BILLION.
MatsuJun: 7.7 Biiiiiillllllion~
MatsuJun: that's like...five Cartier rings, two sofas, and an Oguri Shun photobook! And maybe a hat...
BTW - Anyone else getting a mad urge to buy makeup? (Read: Google Pic "antm cover girl" if you don't get it.)
Hang on. Haaaaaang on. Wait just a minute there, Pup, before you go spending yourself into an American National Debt. 7.7 billion what?
MatsuJun: what?
Exactly! 7.7 billion yen or 7.7 billion USD? Euros? RMB??? 7.7 billion goats?
MatsuJun: oh! 7.7 billion in the strongest currency in the world right now - the Neenin!
....the...Neenin?
Nino: Ahhh the Neenin!
vv Nino, what's a Neenin?
Sho: May I? I do have a degree in economics from Keio.
Go ahead Sho.
Sho: Thank you. The Neenin is the official currency of Neeninstan. The Neenin is so strong, that 1 Neenin is worth at least 1000 yen. Worried about the strain that this might have on the world market, the president of Neeninstan has graciously allowed people to send their currency in for Neenins at half the current exchange rate. So, when MatsuJun says the gross of HanaDan Final is 7.7 billion Neenins, it really means Eleventybillion and two in Japanese money.
vv and the president would be?
In KazNeener We Trust.
_-_ Ohno Christ Secret Sauce, Sho. Please tell me you didn't invest any of your money in Neeninstan?
Sho: of course not
Whew.
Sho: For a hundred bucks, Nino made me the Treasurer of Finance.
*facepalm*
Sho: Although, I think I could do a really good job as Minister of Culture, you know...
Nino: Tell you what, throw in an extra hundred and I'll make you Prince of Sports too.
Sho: Sweeeeeet.
BTW - if for some reason thus far you haven't been offended by the photoshopping, then you should note that Nino has managed to lose his Nino Spot. How am I supposed to know he's Nino without the Nino Spot?
Worse yet, this photoshopping has rendered Sho into some sort of muppet who would perhaps not look out of place on H.R. Pufnstuf.
Sho can't do a little cause he can't do a lot...
Nino without his Nino Spot: I guess I should make the other members part of my cabinet too...
Nino: I'll make Ohchan Minister of Bread.
Nino: Jun-kun can be the Ambassador Bastion of Fashion
Nino: And Aiba can be my second in command because I'll need someone to take the fall if, uh, if anything should happen...
Aiba: I think I'd rather be the Treasurer of Finance...
Treasurer of Pretteh, more like it! Gah, One Love fails so hard and yet it can't even break the first rule of Arashi PVs!! Besides, Aiba. Sho's doing a fine job as Treasurer of Finance.
After all, the citizens of Neeninstan aren't starving or anything.
...oops...
Sho: uh...apparently there isn't any money left for food. The budget was blown on Aiba's pants...
Aiba: but they fit so well!
MatsuJun: I'm starting to regret advising you to buy them
Aiba: I'm starting to regret you advising me to buy them too...
Nino: I regret paying any of you in Neenins
Good news everyone!
There isn't enough money to eat, but there is enough to have gold squares fly around throughout the video for that extra added special touch!
Although...
Apparently not enough money to keep one of them from flying up President KazNeener's nose.
Nor enough to give him pants.
Though I hear Ambassador Bastion of Fashion is working on a plan.
It's worth noting that, drunk on power, Nino has completely checked out in this video. He checked out a long time ago, actually. He's been singing the National Anthem of Neeninstan since the title credits.
Aiba and MatsuJun: checked out, huh?
MatsuJun: Aiba, you thinking what I'm thinking?
Aiba: I think so
OI. What are you two up to?
Aiba and MatsuJun: nothing
MatsuJun: Just helping President KazNeener with his stimulus package, that's all
Sho: isn't a food shortage really a problem for the Minister of Bread and not the Treasurer of Finance?
Sho: I should have been the Minister of Bread...
Sho: actually, can I switch places w-
MatsuJun: Shut up and figure out how we're going to eat
Especially before Aiba starts thinking with his stomach... Normally he's a curry person, but in the right situation, digitally rendered flowers and bandmates just might work...
By the way...Matsumoto.
Spines don't work that way.
...er...maybe not spines...
...fuck I'm confused.
And so, One Love ends.
OH YEAH! Bucolic Wedding! I forgot! Just who exactly was getting married here?
Nino and his shorts?
MatsuJun and his sweater that cleverly doesn't do anything for his hips at all?
Aiba and the sky?
Sho...and...Ohno?
THE MINISTER OF BREAD IS SLEEPING WITH THE TREASURER OF FINANCE?!?!
...wait. They're both boys, how does that work?
Ohhhhhh, thanks MatsuJun! Maybe you should have been Secretary of Education!
After all, MatsuJun would know these things.
He doesn't just sing songs, he makes out with them.
Oh Jun...you love the microphone, but it don't love you back.
As always, witness One Love for yourself through the magic of YouTubes! If you're extra crafty, you can find the Utaban performance I used as well!
MWA!