Point being, when I hit one of those numbers in PVS, I try to select one of the videos that has a little something extra to it.
For the 14th installment, we're going with All or Nothing...which has a lot of something extra.
By my records, this is technically Arashi's 10th PV...although even more technically it's not really a PV at all. You see, All or Nothing the performance is included in All or Nothing the special/concert/dvd release monstrosity. Well, I say monstrosity, but let's be honest - any official release that involves Ohno running around half naked while being chased by old women is worth its weight in plutonium.
Point being, All or Nothing is no mere PV; it is an experience. And after a good chunk of WTF you are rewarded with an old man telling you it's time to watch Uh-RASH-ee!
Let's be fair, though. Sho himself tends to say Uh-RASH-ee in some of the raps. I suppose it helps to Americanize, and therefore legitimize, their participation in the urban format.
Just like Sho spelling his name in just about every song.
Especially when he spells it "S-H-O-Double" as he does in All or Nothing.
Alright, here we go!!
So in All or Nothing, the boys go off on personal, individual paths exploring parts of themselves. (And already, I have managed to make this sound like a porno. New record.) By the end, they all come back together to put on this little show to exhibit not only what they've learned personally, but their group as a whole.
And as this is the end of the 90s era, Arashi still trying to be in Hip Hop era, you can guess that we've got some street dancing going on in this video.
If you did, in fact, guess that - well, you're half right.
They do dance quite a bit in this PV, but you won't really get a chance to see it. The same quick edit, swoopy camera, grainy filming that prevented you from really seeing A.Ra.Shi's full glory is in effect here - and again, with good reason.
Street for Arashi is a bit like "Sesame Street."
Even the Sharks and the Jets from West Side Story wouldn't bother dance-fighting this lot.
They'd wait their turn to serve and then wonder why they weren't at home watching the awesome dance moves of "A Day in Our Life."
("That awkward one that does the worm, we think we can take him," they would say.)
So okay, the dancing isn't up to thug-par, but that's fine.
Because, as with any hardcore video, there is gesturing. And we all know that gesturing proves beyond anything that you are both tough and valid:
Especially when you whip out the Random Finger Point and the Gratuitous Crotch Shot.
Granted, not everyone in the group quite grasped the concept of posturing in a hardcore manner:
The Gratuitous Crotch Shot is supposed to convey a sense of dominance and aggression. And in this cap, I'm not entirely sure I know where to find Ohno's crotch.
(Is it in the pantry? His left shoe? Did he leave it at the supermarket again?)
But again, let's be forgiving to Arashi.
They're a Japanese pop idol group assembled by some old guy and their sole purpose in life is to produce Rainbow Sparkle Happy Times. Regardless of that, they're still teens here. No amount of studying the current trends at the time would have produced anything that would have measured up to that which they attempted to imitate.
Besides.
The other members didn't have a prayer with this as their prime example.
Nino, you're thug at heart. Why didn't you take over this disaster and show the boys how to do things properly?
Nino: No way. Dame. No crotch shot here.
What? Seriously?
Nino: I don't have to show my crotch to you.
Nino: I'm saving my crotch shot for someone special.
You're kidding me, right?
Nino: Lots of people decide to withhold their crotch shots until they meet the right person. It's perfectly normal and common.
But come on, Nino. The rest of the guys are doing it.
See? Even MatsuJun!
Nino: Oh big surprise there - MatsuJun caught forcing his love onto a camera. I said no.
Fine. I'm giving MatsuJun your turn, then.
Why do I feel like I may regret this decision later...
Sho: Heeeeeeeey. This entire video isn't about crotch shots, you know.
Absolutely right, Sho. It's not all about penises here at PVS.
As I said before, All or Nothing is about growth.
...character growth.
Not crotch shot gr-
You know, nevermind. I need to shut up now.
AIBA! Your personal character growth story, please!
Aiba's story involves his saxophone playing. Unfortunately, it's really quite sad. While he shows off his skills in the performance, at least in a psuedo manner, Aiba can't actually play the saxophone during his portion of the special.
You see, this is a bit after Aiba Masaki's left lung spontaneously collapsed - like it does sometimes. He had it reinflated and went through the treatment.
Then he wrote a letter on 24 Hour TV about how he sort of internalized the whole process, blamed himself for holding back the other members, and basically made me, Ohno, MatsuJun, and himself cry like babies. Oh sure, this has nothing to do with All or Nothing, but hello, Aiba's lung collapsed. The least you could do is watch his letter (which is easily found by looking for "aiba letter" on YouTube!)
In any case, he tries to play but doesn't have the capability. Instead he sort of ends up wandering around. As far as I know, he has yet to really go back, which is all the more pity considering sax playing skills must be rare amongst idols.
Even worse yet, All or Nothing as a PV doesn't really do him any favors. Oh sure, it's not a big enough train wreck to dare make Aiba Masaki not pretty, but he isn't exactly front and center either.
I can't really throw down any blame here, though. Recovered lung or not:
Aiba's hip hop dancing is a bit like a five year old doing soft shoe.
Doesn't mean he deserves this, though.
MatsuJun, you cruel cruel bastard you...
His lung just collapsed - at least give him a couple of more inches or something?
Speaking of the Jun of Matsu, what was his special individual side trip?
Pop Dance!
By which, I think, they mean doing some popping (which almost always requires some locking.) He's not...bad, per se. Considering that he has no real background in this sort of dance style (sorry, JE - I know you teach every kid how to "lock" dance, but you don't actually know what you're talking about) and probably had two days to learn it, which, knowing MatsuJun, means his lunch hour each day and the two hours when he would have been sleeping, it could certainly be a lot worse. There are elements he does better than others - he makes really good use of his hips and slinky little slidey MatsuSpine.
BUT MY GOD.
DON'T YOU WANT TO PULL HIS HANDS OFF AND BEAT HIM WITH THEM?!?!
When I flop my hands over like that, it's because I'm running through my house making velociraptor noises. So I can only guess that Arashi are in the midst of preforming the all Tyrannosaur production of "Thriller."
Or starring in the new monster movie, "Attack of the Killer Gay Hands."
...no? They're just following MatsuJun in a Pop Dance? Well. That was my ninth guess.
Ohno, however, uses his time to capoeira. For those not familiar with capoeira, I can best describe it as a fighting dance style where you dance and fight. Ohno does a really good job with this. I mean, in his segment, he has beautiful lines though I haven't the slightest idea if anyone cares about lines in capoeira. Point being, if you think it's weird in the PV that Ohno starts tumbling around, just know that he's showing off what he has learned and it's pretty awesome sauce.
Also know that behind him, the other members are also participating in a sort of capoeira style. It is not awesome sauce. It might be canned interesting sauce from 1987, at best.
Dancing fights, non-sax playing saxophonists, dancing gay dinosaurs - this PV's a bit all over the place, isn't it?
By comparison, Nino's side tryst is quite normal. He just wanders around some fishing village and plays guitar.
Nino: You're still not getting a crotch shot though.
This, of course, leaves us with Sho. You see, this entire PV is Sho's thing. He sets out to improve his rap, which involves getting seriously schooled in an impromptu jam with real rappers. It is somewhat unfair of me to refer to the overall video when all you'll be able to find on streaming sites is just a select cut, but I think Sho's spiritual journey is my favorite.
Mostly due to the fact that during the rap battle, Sho bounces to the beat...and fails to stay in time.
Sho's special.
But he shows me; he comes back with the entire All or Nothing PV!
And to top that, he learns how to dance too!
I bow to your hat spinning skills, sir.
But that's not all folks! Sho even develops his stage presence! Why, just look at how he gets everyone's attentio-
...what the...Sho...are you....doing what I think you're doing? oO
Ohno: Holy...
MatsuJun: Dude, what the hell?!
Old Announcy Guy: THAT'S JUST WRONG!
Nino: See? There's no reason to show my crotch when Sho's just going to spank his monkey around on stage.
Sho: AUHHHHHGH! That was NOT what I was doing!!! I'm not that kind of person!
Nino: Really? Hmmm, okay - show of hands. Who thinks Sho-chan would probably spell out his own name during sex?
Ohno: S-H-O? Yeah, that sounds about right.
Sho: I'll say yes if Ohno says yes.
Nino: Sho...you might...want to put your hand down...
Moving on, after they show off all of their new skills, they decide to crowd surf.
And I can only imagine that this is going to end well.
....so very, very well.
I mean, after all - knowing how they tape videos, especially concert-like videos - those people were probably there for hours pretending they cared about Arashi before Sho lobbed his muscular fail ass at them.
Sho: Maybe they appreciated our stage show?
Watch it, Sakurai.
And so, everyone gets their turn.
But Ohno Satoshi is a bit apprehensive to throw his ass into a crowd of hands. We all remember what happened with Lucky Man, after all.
Don't worry, Ohno.
Nino will jump with you to make things less scary.
Of course, that requires him to stop covering his crotch.
Nino: Okay, Kazunari. You've been waiting for this moment for a long time. Ohno's the one, it's time to show off your crotch shot...
Nino: Jyan!
....oooookay, you know, I'm not even going to touch that one. Anyone else want to cover it for me?
Yeah, thanks guys. You're loads of help.
Nino: Hey. You asked for it.
Sadly, I did. I should know better. Oh well. It's just...well, I know you were saving your crotch shot, Nino. And it was your choice to share it with Ohno. But personally...I just don't think Ohno was the one, honestly.
Nino: What makes you say that?
...nothing, really.
Care to wiggle-butt us out of here boys?
Thanks, kindly.
And so, that is the absolute disaster that is All or Nothing. And of course, as always, it is something that you'll need to see for yourself.
But wait, you say - All or Nothing, as I so described earlier, is all jumpy and hard to watch. How is one supposed to enjoy the hilarity of the dancing that way?
Well...okay. I'm not in the habit of putting up streaming videos at PVS because I don't know how long they'll stay and I don't want to be responsible for maintenance, but this is kind of important.
So just this once, I give unto you my own stream of a live performance of All or Nothing.
Marvel as Sho pronounces "You know what I mean?" like "ramen" and boosts the street cred of this song by starting out with "When I say ALL OR you say NOTHING!"
Be astonished as MatsuJun magically goes through puberty right at the start of his part of the rap!
Revel in the awesome sauce that is Ohno's capoeira by not watching the other four completely fail at it in the background!
Thrill at how Nino's so thug, he can't even be arsed to sing on key!
Squee slightly as you notice that Aiba has his hair in this mini itty bitty tiny half ponytail that somehow works for him. XD
My apologies for not crediting whoever originally uploaded this, as I don't know who that is.
Oh All or Nothing. You burn. But perhaps a good kind of burn? The kind of burn you get when you eat marshmallows immediately off of a fire. Oh sure, your mouth hurts and it's going to blister later which is totally nasty - but marshmallow! Warm hot melty marshmallow!! And then you'll think, wait, I don't even like marshmallows...but they're so warm and inviting. OW OW OW OMG MY MOUTH AAAAAUGH. Why yes, thank you, I will have another!
As per usual, you'll find the actual PV on your favorite streaming site, as well as Ohno's capoeira and MatsuJun's pop dance.
MWA!