In the Arashi fandom, there's this concept known as JunBait. And let me stop you, oh ye who are new to this concept, before you start to get some interesting mental images. Basically it refers to the fact that member Matsumoto Jun has starred in several highly visible J-Dramas, especially those based off of highly popular manga titles; fans watch the drama, go, "Who is that Fabulous Fab Man?" and end up discovering Arashi in the process.
It would not be terribly accurate to say that I was JunBaited, exactly. It is fair to say that my status as a Jun fangirl was cemented by watching Hana Yori Dango, a drama you've seen mentioned here before. What can I say, retarded puppies make the world go 'round. (In case you're wondering, no, my little manip will never get old. We have one more HanaDan related PV left, so expect to see it again.)
In any case, I bring this up because many people were JunBaited by watching HanaDan and this is relevant only in that our 17th PVS installment is Arashi's 20th PV, Wish - the theme song for Hana Yori Dango.
So let's get into Wish:
Hmm, how to sum it all up...
There we are! Thanks, boys! Good night!
Nino: Do it right...
FINE. Hmph.
Ever since I decided to do all of Arashi's PVs and not just a select few, I've been dreading the day Wish would come along in the queue. It's not that I don't like Wish as a PV, although off the top of my head I might nominate it for least favorite (but then we still have quite a few PVs to go). Just, from a PVS perspective, Wish is a royal pain to deal with. And for four major reasons.
First reason -
THE VIDEO IS ABOUT FREAKING PUPPETS.
Oh sure, some of you may find them cute, but I still think puppet pining is a bit on the creepy side.
But more on the actual story line in a bit.
Second reason - working on Wish will guarantee that Wish will be stuck in my head for the rest of the week. Oh sure, Wish is disgustingly cute and makes you want to sway and hop around kissing bunny rabbits. It's a song that can inspire love...but also simultaneously make you want to punch things.
Worse yet, when I hear the song, all I see is this:
It's the start of every performance of Wish - and there are a lot of performances of Wish.
Just imagine seeing those not-particularly-flattering-to-any-of-them red suits flopping about over and over, as you are unable to let go of those first five or six beats anytime the song comes on. Less Wish heard, the better.
The third reason is that Wish is one of those PVs that obviously did not get a single release. Many of the high quality caps you see come from PVs included on Limited Edition singles. No PV on the single, then the PV is at the mercy of someone capturing it on tv. This is becoming less problematic as technology, and fandom, grows. But in regards to an older PV like Wish...
Even the best quality is kind of horrific.
Which is a shame, because this totally could have been a contender for the Official Bitch Face Cap!
And the Official Aiba is Stuck in Kindergarten Cap!
...and the Please God Don't Dance Ever Again Sakurai Sho Cap!
All very important categories.
The tragedy doesn't really end there, though. Had Wish been captured in high quality, it would have ranked among the all time great PVs. Why is that?
Because Nino and Sho bring the stupid.
They bring it hard.
Not terribly convinced? Okay then.
Nino, for his part, spends most of Wish dancing like he might have autism:
And Sho...
....well okay Sho's not doing anything different, really, but combined with what's going on with Ninomiya, it's a potent mix.
(Bypass your laughter, this little pointy crotch thrust dance of Sho doom deserves a full blown snort.)
What happened? Why are they like this? Rather, why is Nino like this?
I can only conclude that Wish has some sort of drug effect on Nino.
While it may make me want to punch bunnies, it opens Nino's soul - it lifts his spirits to the horizon - it causes him to be super cheery and gay.
Let me expound upon that.
Look at his little Neener face.
Also...that's probably the best body roll he's ever done. Possibly because it isn't so much body roll as "put mic in crotch." Which is infinitely better than Sho's understanding of a body roll: stick out butt and lift head.
Playing Wish for Nino is apparently like giving a small child a glass of Tang and letting it loose in a small room. Except this Tang is flavored with Sho-esque epic flailing and dorkdom.
Nino has consumed ShoTang.
Sakumiya, my ass - I may have to start calling them the ShoTang Twins. (As Retardo Spaz Twins is not proper for polite company and could refer to just about any pairing within Arashi, really...)
Whew. At least someone made him sit down for a little bit.
Don't emo, Wish-Hyper Nino - you'll get your chance to spaz again soon enough.
Thus we now must address the fourth, and final, reason behind my reluctance to PVS Wish.
Jyan.
If you've read prior PVS entries, you probably know that I like to pick on a little thing I call MatsuPuberty. Awkwardness in my favorite idol is like sprinkles on a donut. And nowhere was MatsuJun more awkward than during the Hana Yori Dango days (though you could make a pretty good argument for A Day in Our Life and win).
The fact that many have been JunBaited off of HanaDan is kind of amusing given that he doesn't exactly look his best - the hair is fried, he's clearly tired, and HanaDan marked the arrival of some seriously long lasting acne damage (although personally, I thought having bad complexion issues helped his character, Domyouji, be even more endearing).
The Holy Grail of Puberty Teasing, no?
No.
If there's one area of MatsuJun's life I don't like to pick on, it's the HanaDan days. Let me explain why.
Any drama requires a lot of time and effort from its actors; HanaDan additionally had several night shoots, some highly physical scenes, some wet shoots, and Hard Gay buzzing around annoying everyone during and after work (google "'hana yori danshi' hard gay" if you're really interested. It was amusing at parts, but you could also tell that the cast was kind of tired whenever he popped up.) I think filming HanaDan alone would be enough to wear a person out.
But wait, there's more!
Other obligations do not cease when filming starts. There were the weekly Arashi tv shows (G no Arashi and Mago Mago Arashi), the solo side tv show (Utawara), the weekly radio show, and the Arashi and HanaDan promotional appearances and photoshoots in addition to regular Arashi work, which included working on Wish and its PV, with Christmas and all of its year end specials right around the corner. Egads.
But wait, there's more!
Because Mago Mago Arashi at the time wasn't just any old Mago Mago Arashi. Let me summarize for those who have not seen. The gist of the show is that Arashi go and do nice things for grandparents. During the HanaDan filming, the grandparent in question was a retired crew coach who wanted to be involved in racing one more time. The result was that Arashi ended up as an official rowing team, registered for an actual race. Please read this again - idols willingly signing up to do crew in their "spare" time.
Thus, you can see over several episodes of MMA that all five members of this group are both hard-working and extremely decent; they didn't just agree to do this, they decided to put forth their best efforts. They practiced in the morning and at night; when one would have to leave for another commitment, like filming, he would return immediately afterward for more practice. They even practiced in their off time, using ergometers on sets during breaks, so that they would not let each other, or the coach, down. As a result, at times during this period, MatsuJun was reportedly getting an hour of sleep some nights, or only getting sleep while he was in transit on to something else.
That's a lot to ask of someone at age 22 (maybe even especially at 22). And while idols bring it upon themselves by being idols, I think the kid deserves a break. If he looks like death on rainbows at any point during that span, is it any wonder?
So when it comes to Wish, I like to back off just a bit. A "Get Out of PVS Free" card, if you will - there's just no need to pick on him for being puberty ravaged when the schedule was that insane. My guess is if I attempted the same, I'd look much worse and I'd be in jail for killing a few people. (Hime the Pup may be, but his actual patience is probably a little underrated.)
The same rule extends to all of them, really. I wouldn't pick on Nino for expressing any uneasiness towards his family situation; nor Ohno for feeling insecure and wanting to quit JE in the early days; nor Aiba for having pneumothorax and then sharing an extremely vulnerable letter about it.
Nor would I mock Sho over...
....uh....
Well, congrats Sho - if you develop a crippling addiction to styrofoam peanuts in your future, I promise to leave you alone over it.
I know that was very long, but an honest expression of appreciation now and again isn't bad. Let us all take a second out from laughing to recall that, beyond entertaining us, these guys are actually quite admirable in their attitudes and work-ethics.
And follow that up by pointing out that Wish isn't terribly flattering for any of them:
Case in point - you can tell Aiba's still Aiba Level Gorgeous, but for some reason the director had it out for him and decided to go for every unflattering angle possible.
And Sho's heading towards squish butt territory.
And when's the last time you looked at Ohno Satoshi and thought, "Wow, he looks like a sexual predator." When Ohno Satoshi goes from victim to skeevy pervert, something is wrong. (Unless it's Truth, then everything is oh so right.)
Now that I have tl;dr-ed you all on why I didn't want to cover Wish, let's actually cover Wish. You recall that puppet at the beginning? Well he lives in a town of puppets. And high above them on this roof, of a giant puppet church btw, is Arashi, looking down over all the people, watching like benevolent gods.
(Also, when will taking a cap with Sho's hand over his crotch not be funny?)
Nino: ...no way! That's...
Aiba: Are they...?
Nino: That's...
Ohno: That's...
Ohno: ...wait, what is that, exactly?
Nino: They're having puppet sex on the bakery counter!
Ohno: THAT'S puppet sex?
Aiba: Are they using the dough too?
MatsuJun: *wistful sigh*
Well I didn't say I wouldn't poke fun at all...
I mean seriously! If you think about this video too hard, which I know is a dangerous thing for a J-pop PV, the reality of Wish is that Arashi exist maybe 40 feet up from the ground on top of a puppet church with nothing to do but dance around, sing, and watch everyone below.
I shall restrain myself and refrain from making the obvious lolcat joke about ceiling cat watching you masturbate.
Back to the point. Arashi aren't just regular idols hanging out on a puppet church roof watching puppet doings (...um). Their real purpose in this PV is to look out for one special little puppet.
I shall call him, Puppito!
Puppito has a problem, you see. He loves a special little
I shall call her, Puppina!
Puppito loves Puppina but does not know how to tell her about his feelings.
Enter, Arashi!
Or, rather, enter Sho and Nino.
Because Ohno can't be bothered when he has a splinter in his butt, MatsuJun is hallucinating that he's on another planet, and Aiba seriously did do something to piss off this director.
But that's okay! After all, Sho and Nino are the most qualified to help in situations like these.
Let me remind you why!
...I sincerely hope they came up with that themselves.
Once everyone's brought up to speed and on board, Project Get Puppina starts.
First plan of attack - spiff yourself up and impress the lady! Sloppy orange painter hats have to go!
JunStyle's got your back, Puppito!
Or, you know, he hasn't eaten in three weeks, so he might have just thought it was a tangelo.
Sadly, even spiffed up with flowers in hand, Puppito can not win fair Puppina.
....mostly due to the fact that he sees Puppina, who owns a business mind you, talking to another puppet man, one she apparently isn't interested in, and thus Puppito throws down his flowers and runs away crying like the little
Nino does the puppet a favor by picking up the flowers, because Nino doesn't want Puppito getting fined by the city for littering.
Who the hell am I kidding - Nino's a cheap bastard. He picked them up so he could regift them to someone.
Nino: Do you know how much roses cost?
Nino: Of course I'm regifting! Arashi's 10th anniversary is coming up, after all.
And let us once again lament the quality of Wish for somewhere in the lower definition, we lost the Nino Spot. Sad times. Though how could you look at this face and not love Nino? Which is good, because before I was going to say that putting him in a turtleneck tends to give him a sort of rat-like appearance...
Sho: Awhn, poor guy.
Sho: There - there's your hat back.
Puppito: What the...
Sho: Good luck, little puppet man!
Puppito: Sweet Shosus, is that you?!?!
Plan A failed, and night falls.
Time for Plan B. But lest you think Plan B is something like "steal Puppina from her bedroom in the middle of the night," what's really happening is that Puppito is painting a mural in the town while everyone sleeps.
And while he works, Aiba shelters him from the snow with his mighty god umbrella, which hopefully he won't drop because it would probably take out half the puppet population.
Ah, love is in the air, boys! Puppito is working the night through, in the snow, to express his affection toward the one he loves. Can you feel it?
MatsuJun's not on death's door (we think), he's just appreciating the vibes of the moment. Embrace it, guys. Passion this deep doesn't happen often, so cherish it while it exists.
Aiba: Is anyone else thinking about nipples?
Oh well. Can't change your spots overnight, right? Besides, Aiba -
You ended up being the only useful person there. You helped Puppito finish his mural and get Puppina's attention. Unlike MatsuJun, who took away his hat, Nino, who stole his flowers, or Sho, who blew his mind with the presence of Shosus.
Aiba: Some of us just know more about love.
Rock on, Nipple Man, rock on.
But hey, at least the others tried in their own special ways. What did you do to help Puppito out, Ohno?
Ohno: I sang the damn song.
Oh, good point.
Actually, Ohno uses his god like powers to pull the puppet violinist through the roof so that he may play music for all the townspeople. Because now that Puppito and Puppina are together, music needs to be in the air, right?
However, there is a horrible consequence to this action.
If you're thinking about potential repercussions within the puppet community, you're not watching the PV closely enough.
For you see, while Ohno's waving his magic arm, Sho is right next to him. And Sho is either cold, or in need of urination, or this is how he expresses his happiness. But the result is...
Hello crotch dance.
I am so very sorry that you will never be able to un-see that.
...sort of. I mean, it's only fair you share my pain. Here's hoping that from now on when you hear the first five or six beats of Wish, your looping mental image isn't of Shaking Velvet Crotch.
Unless that's a good thing then HEY! AWESOME!
I see that smirk, Sakurai Sho. You totally knew what you were doing!!
You know, on second thought, maybe Aiba didn't piss off the director. Maybe Aiba's not entirely aware of what's going on. He kind of looks like that one guy who brings wine to a BYOB party.
Anyway, as expected, Arashi helped save the day and Puppito and Puppina are together! Hoorays!
And now they can go off and have puppet sex!
Ohno: Again?!
MatsuJun: *wistful sigh part 2*
And so, with love conquering all, Arashi end Wish by drinking the sweet nectar of the ShoTang that Nino's apparently been slugging down the whole day.
Because WOW. THE GAY.
Though the apprentices will never, ever overtake the masters:
And thus...
Wish ends for real.
My apologies for the heavy gif usage but as you can see, they were very necessary. I only hope they aren't too spazzy for you, as I left some at a little higher speed. Now would be an awesome time to go hunt down Wish, and even some of the performances I used for extras, on your favorite streaming site so that you may instantly relive the magic of Nino's dancing or further sear Sho's crotch wiggles onto your brain.
MWA!