It's time for PVS! This time, the 25th instance in our PVStal history, we'll be looking at the 18th PV, He-
Sho: YOU! PVS now.
H-hai. Getting right on it.
...the 18th PV of Arashi, Hero. Hero was a double single with HnNnG and was used as NTV's Olympic coverage song for 2004. What we should take away from that sentence:
1) There's a dangerous precedent already for NTV to tap Arashi to represent their Summer Olympic Coverage. Stay tuned for 2012 (which could be even more interesting given Tokyo's bid to host the 2016 Olympics).
and
2) Like HnNnG...
Hero is effing boring as hell.
As you might notice, there is a speaker. For you see, here's how Hero plays out. There is a lot of time spent in the city where a random speaker shows up to blare music at the masses; the masses in question, one assumes, are in need of a Hero. And that's what music is - your hero.
As this is not Speakerland Presents PV Series, or even Random Masses in Need of a Hero (they're holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night) Land Presents PV Series, I won't waste time covering the good half of this video that is devoid of both Arashi and entertainment.
I know I've declared other PVs in the past to be the worst, and PVS itself started simply to point how terrible of a PV Lucky Man was...buuuuuuuut...at least Lucky Man had Ohno getting his butt poked, possibly a lot. Hero is the type of PV that makes me wish I taught a film studies course so I could make my students watch it and then write a 5 page paper on why they should never, ever make a music video like it.
Case in point...
I have no idea why the lighting is mostly behind Arashi and why it seems to be the middle of summer. I mean, it was the middle of summer when they shot it, but I'm not entirely sure why I need to be reminded. They're not glistening with sweat, but there's something slightly sticky and greasy going on.
Having lighting behind group members is problematic in two ways. First, duh, it makes them backlit, which isn't entirely flattering; but...how are you supposed to see your idols? And I don't mean, oh, it is too dark in here, I am not seeing the idols!
I mean - OH JESUS MY EYES! WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME NOT TO STARE DIRECTLY INTO THE CENTER?! There is an argument to be made about the source of light within the video and its symbolism, especially since Arashi, maybe as music personified, is reaching out to the masses. But screw that with Ohno's fishing pole - I. Like. Seeing. If I wanted to pay money to be blind, there's A.Ra.Shi and A Day In Our Life.
Besides highly questionable lighting choices, there are the highly questionable wardrobe choices. As in, Ohno looks like a tv producer's idea of a lesbian.
And...and....*sigh* I've got nothing. Except maybe to say, in 2004, Fab was about three years too early for the whole "Vampires are liek totally fashionable" movement.
Hero - lit and styled by Helen Keller.
This was that strange time period when JE did not want your money.
Sho: Now wait just a minute. We might have weird clothes and we might look a little unwashed and you may no longer be able to see, but that doesn't mean we can't still bring in the cash. We are idols, after all.
Sho: Let us idol.
Well, I suppose I can't argue with that logic, really.
You can't switch off idoling like you can't switch off the sun, right?
No matter how hard you try...
Nino: I don't do idol faces.
Nino: Just kidding. My name is Ninomiya Kazunari and I'll be your super idol all week.
Sho: I think someone owes us an apology~
Sho: A-ra-shi cannot be beat, we are magic in the heat, we are idols here to staaaaaaay-
Okay, so you didn't melt overnight. I will give you that. But, Mr. Cock-urai, don't forget while you sing and do your little dance:
One of your members is still dressed like Charlize Theron in Monster...
MatsuJun: Excuse you? I do not look like a murderous lesbian-
No, no, Jun. I was talking about Ohno.
MatsuJun: Oh.
Yeah. You I called a Vampire Fashion reject three years before the trend even started.
MatsuJun: *noise of disapproval*
I know, I know. The light burns. But it's a little early for the bitch face, don't you think? Here, what if I promise not to get you wet or feed you after midnight?
Oh I nearly forgot. Do you know what else doesn't help this PV?
The random circles of death. They are symbols of sound radiating out towards you, I think. Again, might be cool, if only I weren't blind at this point.
Sho: It is a bit bright in here.
Nino: That's what I don't get. If all of the lighting is behind us, then why am I still having trouble seeing the cameras?
Ah. Here it is. The one thing Hero is good for.
Absolute and irrefutable proof that the sun does in fact shine out of Aiba Masaki's ass.
Nino: Yeugh, that's unnecessary...
Aiba: It's my built in battery pack! It's what keeps me going through the day, powering my smiles and giggles and nipples! I can light up a room instantly! I just have to stand with my legs apart.
Ohno: Can I ask a stupid question?
Go for it, Ohchan.
Ohno: If the sun shines out of Aiba's ass...isn't that...bad? Won't that hurt us?
Well, just keep in mind, Ohchan - if and when Aiba goes super nova...
You'll be the first to know.
Ohno: yabai.
Indeed. And I'm so very glad you decided to ask about the damaging effects of sun exposure, Ohno Satoshi. The rays of the sun are very good for us, little Burnt Panda, but they can also be bad. If you're out in the sun too long, you might get heat stroke, and go completely batshit insane.
Sho: Don't listen to her, she's just trying to scare you.
Sho: We've lived this long with Aiba's sparkling brilliant butt without a single side effect and we're going to keep living with Aiba's sparkling brilliant butt.
Sho: Neeeeee, Gabrielle?
MatsuJun: PEW! PEW! PEW!
Nino: I was thinking the other day that I could really use some drapes and puce would be a really good match for seafoam green cushions.
See?
Ohno: It was bound to happen sooner or later. Dazzling ass or not.
Nino: You might have a point.
MatsuJun: Probably so.
Sho: Is that a tater tot on the floor?!
Aiba: It does get a little warm containing sunshine in your butt, though.
Nino: How exactly did it get there in the first place?!
Aiba: A very complex chemical process involving several hydrocarbons and a steady diet of Fruity Pebbles with extra sugar and the love of puppies.
Nino: That doesn't even make sense!
Aiba: Wanna argue about it?
Nino: No, no, not really - just curious for future reference.
I'm not entirely sure what else Hero has to offer in terms of revelation - I mean, Aiba Masaki crapping the lifeforce of the entire universe is pretty big, after all. But if you want to get down to it, I guess Hero is also pretty inspirational.
It inspires me to get my nails done.
And use lotion regularly.
Oh come on, guys. If you're going to show a close-up of everyone's hand, shouldn't you do a close-up on Nino's too?? That's just discrimination against people with littl- ....oh, this is a close-up? *cough*
But there. All you people out there with weird hand fetishes, this PV was clearly for you.
Things you'll never see again: what it's like to have Ohno punch you.
Ohno: I wouldn't say never - the heat does make you crazy.
Yabai.
Aiba: Actually...it's getting a little too hot in here. Guys? A little help please?
Sho: As we are quickly losing our minds, that might be a good idea, snap snap.
Sho: And I have just the plan to solve all of our problems!
MatsuJun: Can't resist any longa, gotta do the MatsuJun samba~!
Nino: And I bet it sucks - why don't you go back to your imaginary hand-girlfriend instead?
MatsuJun: ole! ole! ole ole ole!
Sho: You know about that?
Sho: We'll just have to kill him tonight while he sleeps, Gabrielle, and our secret will be safe...
MatsuJun: It's just a step to the riiiiiight~
Ohno: Come on, Nino, let's give him a chance. He did go to Keio, after all.
Sho: *THWACK* Damn right! Let's do this.
Nino: Fine. I'll be over here thinking of a useful plan instead.
Egads, MatsuJun, Fabby, are you okay??
MatsuJun: Yeah, I think so, just- just a little dazed. I think I'm al...wait....wait-
MatsuJun: I can't find my penis.
Oh, no, neither can we. You're okay, then.
So, faithful Arashi fan. What could possibly be more unappealing at this point in time? Between the random circles and lighting, what could possibly be added to this video to make you just a little bit more blind and confused? Oh, you know better than to ask...
Ohno: What. the. fuck.
WTF indeed, Ohno.
We are treated mid-video to a cityscape of lite-bright lights and not at all nauseating residual Arashi halo-auras.
Aiba: How does adding more lights help my predicament at all?
MatsuJun: You bring your knees in tiiiiight~
It doesn't, Aiba. It doesn't. In a video of bad ideas, this is probably the worst. Who came up with the concept for this PV, anyway?
Sho: I did.
Oh. Ouch.
Nino: And he's going to keep Aiba's ass from single-handedly causing global warming?
Sho: Okay I admit the video concept was a little weak, but my idea for Aiba's great.
Aiba: Arguing about it isn't going to help! I'm reaching terminal gorgeous - I don't think I can stand to spread much more light in the world!
Sho: Just trust me on this, come on.
Sho: Okay, everyone - SUCK THE SUNSHINE OUT OF AIBA!
Nino: ...I hate you.
Ohno: This is a stupid idea.
Aiba: And why am I helping?!
...you would think that after Lucky Man there'd be some sort of memo floating around that said, "No more blowjob faces - EVER." But, tada. That's Hero, folks. A spaghetti of bad ideas topped with a side of blowjob. You are either too afraid to sleep now, or utterly giddy.
Sho: The plan didn't work!
Nino: Shocking. Really.
Nino: Where'd you get the idea from anyway? Your imaginary girlfriend?
Sho: ...maaaaaaybe.
Nino: Well, as usual, it's up to me to fix things.
Nino: And you know what they say - if you wanna blot out the sun...
Nino: Find a bigger flashlight.
Ohno: ...people say that?
And that, without the swish you get with the actual video, is Hero in a nutshell. Now-
Ohno: Wait. Hang on. So the entire point of Hero is that the sun shines out of Aiba's ass, Nino's penis is the sun, MatsuJun might be a sexless vampire, and I'm dressed up like a female lumberjack in spring?
Pretty much. Oh, and Sho makes out with his right hand.
Sho: I do not! We just talk!
Aiba: For a video where the sun shines out of my ass, I'm not featured very much, am I?
What? You were in this video at all?
I COULDN'T SEE YOU - I WONDER WHY.
Bah. Hero. I hate you.
Well, actually. I do like some of the camera pans. It's just...I LIKE NOT BEING BLIND. (Second PV in a row where I got ill from watching, egads!)
So now you have two choices. 1) Go to your favorite streaming site, look up Hero, watch for some pretty and some swish but ultimately contract macular degeneration, or
2) Go to your favorite streaming site, look up Hero, but instead watch the 2004 24 Hour TV version, which they performed after Aiba's tearful letter to the rest of Arashi - by the way, it includes a crying Aiba and tons o' snugs.
Which would you prefer?
Damn skippy.
MWA!