Welcome to another installment of PVS, this time looking at the 6th Arashi PV, Kimi no Tame ni Boku ga Iru...oh hell no. That is way over four syllables. I hereby rename this PV, "Kimi." Ahhh, that's much more manageable. If only everything were this simplified - this wouldn't be Arashiland Presents PV Series, it'd be P. And I could call Aiba, "Ba," because just calling him "Ai" gives people the wrong impression. And then I could shorten his first name and slap it onto that - Basaki! Sounds like it should be added to lettuce. Aiba Masaki, the only idol to have his own brand name salad dressing!
*cough* Anyway...
Here's Kimi, a PV that starts off with the strong message of:
"We're Arashi and we want to make a storm all over the...pavement."
*cough part 2*
I know that 27 PVs in, I'm starting to sound like a broken record: "When I started PVS, I was only going to do a few that I really liked, but then I decided to do all of them. However, not every PV is as bountiful in its blowjob faces like Lucky Man."
Honestly, as I catch up on the current catalog of available PVs, I'm starting to run into the real duds that I've been trying to avoid for over a year now. Mind you, absence of a PV in the episode list does not necessarily reflect my opinion of that PV. In Kimi's case, though...I think there's good reason I picked 26 other videos before it.
That reason being - holy shit is it cheap. CHEAP.
What's worth considering is that Kimi was the first single to be released post-debut album. Arashi's debut CD has sold tons and tons and tons...over many years. Arashi's follow-up CD has not. In fact, they have only been able to match sales of the first CD recently with the release of their 10th anniversary Best of. The point of this being: I don't know why this PV is so damn cheap, especially compared to the five before it, which weren't all that expensive to begin with. Did the agency figure it wasn't necessary to spend any promotional money? Was Pony Canyon trying to drop them, subtly? Did Johnny's mandate it so they'd have an excuse to create JStorm?
And not that I have anything against cheap videos, but - not every sow's ear can be made into a silk purse, you know?
Arashi: We don't follow.
Well, just that-
*cough part 3*
Anyway, with such a small budget, you really can't afford to waste film, so I think they ended up using every scrap they shot.
And that is why no one bothered to edit out Sakurai Sho picking his wedgie.
Sho: I wasn't picking out a wedgie.
Sho: I was...uh...
Sho: ...hmmm...was...rubbing...my sore butt...yes, rubbing my sore butt.
Sho: That's actually worse than a wedgie, isn't it?
Considering that you're in an Arashi PV? Yeah, kind of.
Sho: *sniff* Remain dignified, Sakurai.
About that...I did mention that you were in an Arashi PV, right?
Sho: At least I tried.
It's not your fault, Sho. The entire video is just like that. It's clear that you kids were pretty much on your own without a whole lot to work with. I mean...
They couldn't afford any cue cards for Aiba.
The stylist obviously quit halfway through frying Ohno's hair.
And clearly there wasn't enough money for any special effects.
MatsuJun: What do you mean by that, exactly?
Moving on.
On the other hand, thinking about it, I guess this thriftiness is in line with the actual song. This single is one of those where you listen to it and you think, "Well I can sort of hear Ohno and maybe everyone else is singing in the mix but-"
"-hell if I know, because it really just sounds like a bunch of middle aged studio men with a rap shoved in the middle. In fact...I'm not entirely sure Arashi is even in this song at all!"
At least you can tell the rap is actually Sho. But, I'm pretty sure he's the only member who got paid for doing Kimi.
Sho: Well hold on, let's not start any rumo-
Nino: ...you WHAT?
Sho: ...got paid? A little? I might have been paid a very, very small amount.
Sho: But I had no choice in the matter and I told them I didn't want it and-
Nino: Just...stop. We're no longer speaking to each other.
Sho: Why do you always get me into situations like this, Tey?
Because it's fun.
Nino: It is, isn't it?
Nino: But you're wrong about the cost of the PV, actually. We did have a fairly big budget.
Are you serious?
Nino: Yeah, it was all spent on choreography - check it out.
WHAT.
Arashi: Step, turn, lift, step -
Arashi: Hail a taxi -
Arashi: Charleston -
Arashi: Power to the people -
Aiba: Ole!
MatsuJun: ...this is the most exhausting dance routine I've ever done...
Aiba: Was I supposed to "Viola!" when I "Ole"d?
Well, since someone else brought up the dancing for me... (And believe me, I was trying to hold off since the previous PVS was nothing BUT dancing jokes - but, honestly, that's the first and only Charleston I've ever seen in a JPop PV, so there's no way I'm ignoring it.)
Ahem.
It's time to play everyone's favorite game again! Guess Who Can't Dance?
Holy balls of Neptune, Takizawa! That's Ohno! That's Ohno! That's not Sho or Nino or Aiba out of synch, but Ohno! I don't understand. My world is torn asunder. How can this be? How will I go on? How will I live? How am I to believe that the sky is still blue and the grass still green when Ohno Satoshi is the one out of synch?!
...aaaaaahhhh, and back to Sho screwing up. That's much better. I feel secure again. All is right with the world!
Switching gears!
The hands down most amusing part of this video is that almost of all of it is shot in a parking garage (you can't beat those filming fees - $8 an hour!) Honestly, it's just about the best set possible. Hello world, we're Arashi and we're here to tell you! We make
Wait, it gets better! If you split up Arashi into two different groups, then you can have an AD film at the exact same time and get twice the footage! In a public parking area, you can't get cheaper than this, folks!
Thus, we have Team Fail with MatsuJun and Sho...
And Nino with his two minions.
Nino: Hey, how come we got stuck with the AD and they get to walk down a fancy garage with the head director?
Sho: Awhn, you gonna cry about it?
Nino: Whatever, Sakurai - keep it up and I'll send Dopey and the Squid here after you.
Aiba: Don't evah mess with Dopey and the Squid!
Sho: Bring it on, mofo!
Sho: I've got MatsuJun on my side. So there.
Nino: Lol, whatevs. This conversation is over.
...what the hell just happened?
Sho: We didn't have enough money to hire a writer, either.
Gotcha.
Ever get that sinking feeling that your management's so cheap, they won't even pay for you to rap in a parking garage? BAM! Van time! No filming permits to apply for, you just have to pay the rental fee (or not, if you own the vehicle already) and throw all your idols into a van and shoot as you head down the expressway. Which, in all honesty, might make for a really interesting PV someday. You could have a ton of high flying stimuli come at you through the main view of the windshield while the actions of your band are reflected in just the rear view mirror. Granted, they'd have to do more than just sing, since that would get old fast. But it could be this sort of statement of, "The most important things in life are those often unnoticed, acting just out of full view." Yeah? Yeah? Maybe not. But at least it would be CHEAP!
OMG! Look out! It's Tetris Arashi!
Which leads me to my ultimate point about Kimi. Sure, it's insanely cheap, but-
Sho: Wait, aren't you going to talk about my rap at all?
Sho: You just sort of mentioned it once and then went off on a tangent about PVs in vans!
Sho: Sakuraps are the heart and soul of Arashi songs!
But, Sho. You didn't write the rap to this song.
Sho: I don't see what difference that makes.
Sho: *whispers* Look, I'll come clean. I get paid an extra 3% for every minute of screentime I log and Nino is holding my favorite camera for ransom. Understand?
I thought you were being featured in this PVS a little unnecessarily...
Nino: Look, Sho. If you'd just stop making more money than the rest of us, I wouldn't have to steal your things and then sell them back to you at four times their worth.
...you know, I had a point once upon a time.
Oh yeah! So, for as cheap as it is, Kimi has one big thing going for it: it is the only PV in Arashi's entire catalog to correctly predict the future. For you see, back in 2000, they had no idea that a mere decade later...
Arashi would be everywhere.
On every billboard.
On every television.
They were so omnipresent this year, with the 10th anniversary, that you couldn't walk down the street without running into one of their disembodied heads!! AND KIMI KNEW THIS!!
In the building of idol success, this year Arashi reached the top floor.
Nino: ...this isn't 'Electronics.'
Sho: Just think, if we're really that popular in our 10th year, we'll be all over newspapers and news reports and magazines...
Aiba: My face could be on cereal boxes!
MatsuJun: Ooh ooh, I want to be in a commercial for Calvin Klein!
*SNORT*
MatsuJun: Don't. You. Quash. My Dream.
I didn't say a word.
And so, Kimi comes to a close with Arashi on the symbolic rooftop of success. They've fought hard in the parking garages of young idoldom, only to reach those glorious open skies of soon to be middle-aged idoldom. But because they're still quite young in this PV and all of their money was blown on the big dance sequence at the beginning, even what they were supposed to pay the director, they're pretty much left to go with just their instincts for the final shots.
In other words:
Sho: I shall dance in an inappropriate manner, which will suggest the strong need to urinate!
MatsuJun: I shall flail around like a spastic dork in the background.
Aiba: Don't evah mess with Dopey and the Squid!
Squid: . . .
For some reason, lack of direction also results in a lot of misplaced aggression toward the camera. Seriously, they just punch and kick at it, over and over. I mean, I know they sing, "Ganbaru sa!" a lot in this song, but geez! This is too pumped up.
Nino: Wow, that's embarrassing. You just go knocked down by Sho.
Something few people will ever see again. Much like this PV. Because after watching it once, I have no real urge to ever revisit it again. Good bye, cheap ass video!
Nino: It's been fun. See ya.
Agreed, Nino. Let's all move on with our lives and never speak of this poor period ever again.
As always, there is a streaming site where you might find this video - and guess what? It costs you nothing! Cheapness cheapness everywhere!
MWA!
Sho: Three more seconds and I get enough to buy back my camera and my favorite Yattaman underoos!