But yes! For the 7th installment, PV 28 - Truth! Striking while the iron's hot, while the song's selling like hotcakes, while Arashi fans are still tripping all over themselves about how utterly and totally awesome it is! What better time to mock something than when it's popular?
Look, I'm not saying Truth isn't a great PV (though certainly not their best because, come on, how do you top cinematic gold like Lucky Man?); I'm just saying that I didn't fall on my knees and scream JESUS! when it came out.
...okay I did, but that may or may not be due to the fact that I now say JESUS! about 50 times a day thanks to Pika*Nchi.
Mind you, this habit has not been helped by the giant JESUS! billboard next to my house that says nothing but JESUS! I'm sure the church that paid for it was hoping I'd get more JESUS! in my life, but not via an Asian Popstar repeating it several times in a movie that also involves him getting turned on by the male lead in a porno flick. JESUS! When did this get to be "I Love Pika*Nchi - Part Deux" ???
Back to Truth!
First things first - for those of you not rabidly into Arashi, you need some context for the occasion of this song. Currently, Summer 2008, member and leader Ohno Satoshi is in a drama called Maou. A Japanese remake of a Korean drama, Maou is about a vengeful, manipulative, murderous lawyer who has this habit of being shouldered with allusions to Lucifer. The lawyer, of course, is played by Ohno and the theme song, Truth, of course, is by Arashi.
So Truth presumes that you have some sort of awareness of Maou without directly referencing it. To wit - Ohno who normally appears in videos all happy go lucky and a little butt-poked is now himself...
Puppet master extraordinaire.
And as you can see, we're in a bit of a horror movie here. Gothic atmosphere, red/black color scheme, lightning strikes from time to time in the predominately dark set, with dark grainy film, several shots out of focus or only in focus partially or shifting in and out of focus, quick choppy cuts, super imposed images - several subtle, disorienting or unsettling cues to let you know the story of this PV:
Arashi have finally gone to hell.
One rainbow sparkle too many, boys. Now you're in for it.
And you know about Hell, right? It's a place of punishment. It's a place of misery. It's a place of ironic comeuppance based on your sort of personal spiritual karma where you're often denied the one thing that would satisfy you most.
And so, in Hell
Sho looks completely stupid.
Though...really...if Sho's own personal Hell involves his inability to command respect, then everyday life must be a little torturous for him...
No...I would not go to the trouble of capping, uploading, and posting a partially fuzzy, dark, poor quality picture simply because it captured Sho at a humorously inopportune moment.
*cough*
That's right, Aiba and MatsuJun...you should be wary...
You're all in Hell and Ohno's in charge.
It is worth noting, though, that in Hell, Arashi is hella hot:
Being his drama theme, Ohno is especially gorgeous in this video.
Sho looks a little tired, but he's got some pretty going on there.
I don't know that Nino's ever been prettier, to be honest.
So. Take home message kids. Be naughty as can be, go to Hell, look pretty damn good.
Just not as good as Ohno.
Ohno: Hail to the King baby!
Look, even MatsuJun gets one pretty shot in Hell!
But only one because apparently MatsuJun's personal Hell is looking as unfortunate as possible without actually reverting all the way back to his particularly awkward puberty.
MatsuJun: what was that?
I was just saying, I mean, this isn't your best video really, with the hair and-
And, uh, I - what I mean is, uh....that is....shit. You're gonna sick the fangirls on me for this, aren't you?
MatsuJun: damn right.
Crap.
You may have noticed that there was another missing face in the earlier discussion of pretty - but no worries, folks. Lack of pretty isn't Aiba Masaki's personal hell. As we've discussed before, it's hard to make Aiba not pretty; naturally, he wasn't included because being sexy in Hell is just a forgone conclusion here.
Alas, no, Aiba's personal Hell is much worse...
For the rest of eternity, someone steals the cookies out of his lunchbox.
Aiba: Who does that? Who steals someone else's cookies?! That's wrong - WRONG!
At this point, you may be wondering what Nino's personal Hell is like. Opulent spending? Thousands of people to stab and no knives to be found? No no.
When I said earlier that Nino was particularly pretty in this PV, I meant it.
And if I were Ohno, I wouldn't be able to stop glaring either.
Welcome to Hell, Nino.
You're powerless.
Ohno's in charge.
And he just got a glimpse of your sweet pretty ass in leather pants.
Nino: Wait, Oh-chan, I don't think you're supposed to be do-
Nino: -ooooooowwwwwwwnnnnnnuuuuuhhhhhaaaaaahhh
While Nino endures the next thousand years having all of his previous molestation revisited upon him, let's take a moment to talk about something serious.
As I said, I didn't fall on my knees praising the glory of Truth.
When I first heard the song, I wasn't immediately sold because it sounded too fluffy for Maou - too boy bandy to be that serious.
Then I heard the full song later and grew to like it very much.
After all, what was I expecting? Getting onto a boy band for sounding like a boy band is a bit like buying a cat because you're a cat person and then later complaining that it sleeps all the time.
And then when I first saw the video, I wasn't immediately sold because it looked too fluffy for the song.
And in fact, I shredded it for the dancing which bugged the hell out of me, saying a good half of it wasn't even suitable for the material.
I owe Truth an apology because that's a little harsh given the following:
1) They're largely in synch. Which is amazing - Arashi are almost never in synch, especially not for the entire video (arm and body rotation variations taken into account, mind you).
B) The general choreography is both good and interesting and, for at least half of it, kind of sharp - crisp, which is very suitable indeed.
Δ) How can I not give props to a PV that has Nino dancing well. Granted, it's through careful editing and giving him the right moves, but still. He pirouettes in the middle of it, dammit - pirouettes rather well, even - in what looks like boots!
Seriously - big kudos on these things.
HOWEVER.
My annoyance at the dancing was not completely unfounded; after several viewings, I figured out exactly what it was that was bothering me:
The elementary school turns. There are a lot of turns in this video and they do them like they just started dance class, throwing their arms out to the side before they spot. Lots of dramatic flaily arm action - and I don't mean the turns with the port de bras third position (arm up, other out to the side) as that's fairly interesting although a bit overused and seemingly contrary to the rest of the sharp movements used in the hip-pop choreography (which is probably the point).
And before you think I'm picking on Sho and Aiba, they ALL DO IT:
Even mighty Ohno to an extent.
This sort of action at this level is much more suited for a jazzier routine/song, or even if you wanted to ham up a step, which I don't think was the intention. Seeing this is really rather jarring.
My very good friend Riva pointed out, though, that maybe it's on purpose - and given the fact that I know they can turn better, perhaps. It would certainly go with the horror movie edits and camera focus shifting techniques.
In which case, the totally unsuitable movements are completely suitable with the overall theme!
Go Arashi!
Regardless, there's no rationalizing this part.
Bad body rolls make JESUS! cry. XD
But hey, you say - that wasn't funny at all. Nor gay. And you don't watch Japanese pop stars to pick up dance pointers (and if you do, STOP. STOP NOW.)
Let us instead celebrate what is interesting! For example:
The shirt throw is kind of awesome. Or scarf throw, in Aiba's case.
...or nothing at all throw, in Sho's case.
And then they do this little bit that gives everyone a chance to show off!
Aiba gets all eyes while he boogies back and does a nice spin (you can see his hand and scarf leaving frame there).
Good job Aiba!
And like I said, Nino gets to pirouette.
And adds a little Kung Fu Panda locking to the mix.
Good job Nino!
MatsuJun gets revenge for Kitto Daijoubu and FINALLY gets his roundhouse kick into a PV (though, to be entirely honest, out of his entire repertoire I was hoping he'd bring back the worm. Worm for Dream A Live tour concert DVD, yes?)
Good job Pup!
And then Ohno and Sho do this little bit where Sho STICKS HIS TONGUE OUT THE ENTIRE TIME WHILE HE THINKS REAL HARD ABOUT THE FIVE OR SIX STEPS HE HAS TO DO WITH OHNO RIGHT BY HIS SIDE.
I know Aiba - I know.
But he tries.
Sakurai Sho - so bad, he even exhausts the patience of Aiba.
But for this video, he may have had an excuse -
Looks like someone came to the set a little drunk again...
Sho: Why do you say things like that?
The Devil made me do it, Sho.
Speaking of which...
Boy this moment in the PV is striking.
And always makes me think of Dracula for some reason. (Elegance of movement meets PURE EVIL BURNING IN HIS HEART mayhaps?)
Oh that burning desire! He has suffered! Low he has suffered!
And here in Hell, he has not yet satiated his lust for revenge...
Nino: This entire thing's going to be one big long molestation joke, isn't it?
Pretty much. Because, really? If this is Hell where ironic punishment is doled out, then I don't think you'd get away with just one pass, Nino, you know?
Don't worry, you'll grow to love it.
Hmm, I think Nino may be tapped out now.
I'd watch your butts, Arashi - you've all been guilty of feeling up Ohno at one time or another in the past. I'm pretty sure he'll come to collect.
Aiba: What do you mean colle-
Aiba: -ctohhhhhhhhhhhh. Ohh. OH.
Sho: Ohno, what are you do-
Sho: ...
Sho: ....pu
...what about MatsuJun, Ohno? I know I've seen plenty of molestation at his hands. Aren't you gonna have a go at him too?
Ohno: ....ehh.....
Ohno: Sorry! I'm a little full at the moment, eyes bigger than head - maybe next time?
Poor MatsuJun...
Always a Bridesmaid of Frankenstein, never a Bride.
Repeat: check out the hair. I've been pro Coming Out of Poodle Perm Shag, but the stylist had something against him here.
Speaking of which...
Now here's a lesson. Your male idol has a very female waist to hip ratio.
To detract attention from it so your idol doesn't have to spend the entire press tour denying that he's really a woman, do you:
A) Give him pants that go to the waist, not hips, thus outlining the curvy shape instead of masking it by letting the shirt hang straight down to that point
B) Slap a one-ruffle-away-from-being-a-cummerbund giant red belt at said tiny waist to draw attention to the hips even more
or C) Adorn him with a silky scarf.
You have 30 seconds to answer.
MatsuJun Fangirls: BLASPHEMER!
9-9 why are you killing me with sticks? I'm one of you - I'M ONE OF YOU!!!!
And thus, another Arashi PV concludes - which is a good thing, because the guys look a little worn out here. Hell is tiring stuff.
So it ends, burning this image in our minds:
The white lily, of course, has tons of significance when it comes to iconography - such as its representation of the Virgin Mary in Christianity and religious art. Which is a little ironic given they're in Hell. Oh you directors, are you being crafty and deep?
No, I suggest a different reading of this symbol.
Where the white lily represents virginity.
As in, Ohno holds all of your virginities in his hand.
Enjoy Hell with puppet master Ohno, Arashi.
How do you feel about that, Nino?
Nino: I hate this PV.
No worries, I'm sure you'll be back in your rightful place of power next time Neener.
In the meantime, as always, you may want to wander into
MWA!