Know my favorite number in this whole wide world? 19.
Sakura Sake is the 19th PV so it stands that Sakura Sake should be the greatest PV of all time. You know what? It's pretty close. If I didn't quite appreciate it initially, I fully understand its brilliance now.
After all, I ended up with 73 caps, a new all time high - if that doesn't say "Worthy of 19," then I don't know what does.
Things got a little heavy last time - I had my dance rant, Arashi were in hell, no one would molest MatsuJun. I was going to counter with some severe frivolity next, but it turns out Sakura Sake too has some heady themes.
Having said that, this is how Sakura Sake, the 8th installment in the PV Series, begins:
Oh...you're interested now, aren't you?
Crotch shots are serious busi-
....you know I really wish I hadn't used the phrase "heady themes" now...
Here's the thing about Sakura Sake - even though we start off with some crotch shots (Ohno and Sho's, to be specific) there's this whole potentially subversive theme regarding the Japanese educational system. You be the judge of whether Arashi intentionally have a loaded potato in terms of radical protest or if they're just being gay as usual here. (Could it not be a blissful mixture of both, you ask?)
But we'll get to that later - first we have to introduce the basic concepts of the video. Arashi are in a school playing three different roles each, representing various components of school life. First, they all get to be teachers at Rainbow High:
Ohno here, or as we'll call him to avoid later confusion, Coach Ohno, clearly has P.E. class. Ohno can bust a move meaning he's athletic, so this could work.
Ninomiya-sensei is in charge of English class. I don't know that they've invented a DS that's thin enough to slip into a book ala the old porn mag in your social studies text trick, so we're going to assume that he can in fact read what he's written on the board.
Though I'm having a little trouble with it because it looks like it was written by a second grader.
Aiba-sensei is in charge of Art. We know this from the clues given to us - the easel, the bust, the big giant gay pastel scarf around his neck.
Because of his very impressive education, Sakurai-sensei was hired to teach Geography. I am sure this will prove wise as Sakurai-sensei went to Keio and that equals brain power.
And lastly...
I wonder if I would have retained/learned/paid more attention in Chemistry had Matsumoto-sensei been my teacher, but I highly doubt it because the only reason he got the job was due to the fact that it was the only thing left and he was very positive on the idea that he had a shirt to match the copper sulfate.
...fangirls with sticks again?
MatsuJun: Ding.
Of course, you can't have a school with just teachers. Since we don't want to watch some other losers come to Rainbow High, Arashi gladly oblige by playing the students as well!
Satoshi-kun, Kazunari-kun, Masaki-kun, Jun-kun, and Sho-chan. Guess which one all the other students hate for being a royal suck up?
You most likely notice that there's a duplicate of each person in this shot - don't worry, it actually serves a purpose and isn't just a really cheap way to prevent Arashi from having to budget more outfits simply to flesh out the rest of the school. Thank god on that, though - playing three different roles is confusing enough; had they decided to portray even more of the student body, I would have had to call the other five on the right there Scary-kun, Baby-kun, Victoria, Sporty-kun and Bob-chan.
You know, it might seem weird to have Captain Ohno as the P.E. teacher because those who know Ohno know him as the artistic one; he's always playing in clay and drawing. But I think he'd be a good P.E. coach.
He seems like the type that would tell you to run until you throw up while he goes and sits on the bleachers to drink a coke with his feet up, occasionally waving at you to keep up the good work, wondering how he lucked out getting this job. The accidentally sadistic type.
Kazunari-kun is sooooo glad he signed up for P.E. this year.
Meanwhile, Aiba-sensei as the art teacher probably wouldn't work as well. It'd be like karmic payback for all the years he most likely drove his teachers nuts by sticking various objects up his nose because you just know that Aiba was a kid who thought hole + object = natural fit.
Aiba-sensei: No, no, you can't stick glue there!!
I hope Aiba-sensei stocked up on a lot on solvent...
Sakurai-sensei: ...which leads us of course to Finland, right here.
Bob-chan does not approve.
Meanwhile...
Ninomiya-sensei's having one of his infamous one question quizzes.
Which Sho-chan seems to be struggling with.
This, folks, explains why we have Sho gems like "I got hits yo, oh."
By the way, I was originally going to make fun of the FAIL of Ninomiya-sensei here. The first cap I took with the whole sentence on it had him standing in such a way that he blocked all of the important words and so I just assumed that they had misspelled leaving as "leafing."
I know! I know! SORRY!
Joke's on me - it's not only correct, but it's a reading comprehension question based on the Never Ending Story. I'm sure this has great significance given the Never Ending Story's emphasis on the role of imagination and the commentary presented in this video - but we're not there yet!
This of course means that perhaps the Chemistry scribblings behind MatsuJun have meaning as well. As far as I can tell, they're about the titration of starch molecules known as amylose.
Then again, before you look for a deeper meaning, keep in mind these two things: my first and only Organic Chemistry test was a 36; the entire concept hinges on the idea that Matsumoto-sensei knows what a starch is.
...exactly.
The third role Arashi get to play in this crazy school? Why...Arashi, of course! Our plucky little boy band is in a room all by themselves. Doing what?
REBELLING! They have broken the mold of Rainbow High! And how did they do so?
DANCING!
OF COURSE!!!
Maybe this video is less allegory about the ironic idiocy created by the education system and more about Arashi's undying love for the movie Footloose.
Let's leave Arashi Arashi to dance away their protests and check back in on Teaching Arashi because we can see them "dance" in any video, but how often do you get to see Arashi try to take on math and sex education?
How are you doing guys?
OMG! Look out Captain Ohno! There's a huge fucking spider next to you!
Sakurai-sensei: Hawaii
Aiba-sensei: ...
Aiba-sensei: I might be in over my head a little bit...
Nino: Oh? No joke making fun of Ninomiya-sensei? Learned to read now, have you?
Watch it, Nino.
Nino: Or? What are you gonna do about it?
Tell everyone it took you four months to grow that lip fuzz you're sporting in the vid
Nino: You're dead to me.
Sakurai-sensei: In the back corner of our classroom is the entire country of Russia
Matsumoto-sensei: Do you come here often?
Matsumoto-sensei that's not...a living...
....you know, never mind. At least you're hitting on what is most likely a female skeleton.
Though I'm sure through no fault of your own.
MatsuJun: Whoa whoa whoa, hang on. Are you trying to imply that I don't know the difference between men and women? I know this one, thank you very much.
MatsuJun: one of them has a penis...right?
Perhaps it's best if we took a moment to check in on Arashi Arashi and their dancing rebellion.
Still dancing. Still rebelling. Oh goodie.
Though, I have to say - even though they're just dance rebelling, I don't know how wise it is to let them continue this way.
After all, things happen when you don't supervise children...
So, let's take a breather - Arashi playing incompetent teachers; Arashi playing carbon copy students; Arashi as themselves being rebellious by breaking the mold; secret messages on the boards; insistent close ups on this skeleton - clearly, Sakura Sake is trying to tell us something about the Japanese education system. School is only teaching us to be idiots? The process of assimilation kills real genius, which is creativity?
Granted by rebelling in such a tame and orderly fashion, there's no real threat of Sakura Sake being perceived as actually dangerous (which strikes me as very Japanese in itself). But all these elements - there's gotta be something here folks!
It can't just be about breaking out of the mold and blossoming, right? Because then, why have the incompetent teachers?
And boy are they incompetent.
Sakurai-sensei, where's Australia?
Aiba-sensei: aaaauuuuuuhhhhh - maybe glue shouldn't go there either...
Matsumoto-sensei: and the penis is...right above the left kidney
Captain Ohno, I don't think that's such a good idea...
Ohno: Oh?
Geez, man. You can't just hold your whistle out to Nino. If you hold your whistle out to Nino -
He's gonna blow it.
Meanwhile...
Seems the rebellion's winding down a bit. Maybe they're getting a little tired. Someone really should go supervise them -
Aiba's in desperate need of a bathroom break and there's no hall pass to be found.
Sakurai-sensei: THE MOON!!!
Better get that teacher stat - looks like Aiba's not the only one who has to go, now.
Keeping with our Sakura Sake Might Actually Be Slightly Subversive! theme
We learn that student Kazunari-kun is hiding a big secret.
No, no, Captain Ohno. He's not like writing Goth poetry about killing you and the two of you living forever together in a dark embrace.
He's just a robot - that's all.
Captain Ohno: Oh...
But hey, at least we know for sure, now, that Nino does in fact have a heart.
A cold steel heart that runs on triple A batteries.
Sakurai-sensei: TAN-ZA-NIA!
Meanwhile,
Sho-chan has had an epiphany.
Sho doesn't want to be a cog in the machine anymore!
Sho doesn't want to give up his personality to fit into the greater corporation of students!
Sho wants to break free and blossom and become his own man!
Sho wants to climb mountains and yell to the world that he is free and live and love and experience everyday and be true to himself!
Oh the epiphany!
HALLELUJAH!
Well, that's all well and good, Sho-chan.
But it doesn't mean that you're now magically better at geography.
Sho: the Atlantic Ocean!
But hey, if nothing else, Sho-chan was inspiring!
Jun-kun too wants to throw off the shackles of adolescence and bloom into his adulthood!
...please to be keeping your blooming to yourself, MatsuJun. The rest of us don't want to catch it.
Masaki-kun too has had an epiphany and is following suit.
Or...he was until he realized the cafeteria was serving some sort of meat for lunch.
Becoming your own man - great.
Salisbury Steak for lunch - even better.
Satoshi-kun would like to have an epiphany and cast off the oppression of youth...
But he still can't figure out how Nino manages to have such warm hands when he's actually a robot.
Kazunari-kun: ...by god...
Oh, you've had a revelation too, Nino?
Nino: What the hell am I doing teaching English? There's no money in that! I've got a better idea!
Nino: Jyan!
...okay if you aren't laughing, then -
1) That's Nino's crotch.
B) The hand on the left - sort of like the gesture for okane, or money
Δ) The hand on the right - well, I really shouldn't have to explain that gesture...
Oh Nino. You clever bastard.
You've defied the oppression of Rainbow High to start your own prostitution ring, from which you reap 75% of the profits, and look pretty damn cute in the process!
If you're keeping score, you'll have noticed that we've now seen three crotches. Not to be outdone
Aiba's crotch makes a special guest star appearance.
....and has to be partially blurred out at the most intriguing spot.
Gee, MatsuJun, I haven't seen your crotch yet...aren't you feeling kind of left out?
MatsuJun: not really. It's enough to be fashionable and look pretty.
Ah. I have to say, you are awfully pretty here.
MatsuJun: Thanks. Besides, if they showed my crotch they'd have to blur out Ohno's face
Ohno: *SMACK*
And thus ends Sakura Sake, with Ohno putting his hand on his piece and thrusting forward, which...well, I'm a bit confused. What happened to blossoming into your adult self? Throwing off the framework of conformist thought? What do penises have to do with commentating on a broken system? Have I read too much into it all?
...oh. I see.
By "blossoming" you actually meant...
And throwing off the shackles of conformist adolescence to become a man means...
OH.
...if that's the case, then, does this mean Nino's the biggest vibrator in history?
Nino: idiot
This PV Series installment brought to you by Sakurai Sho's School of Economics. He may not be able to find Brazil and he'll get lost on the way to the bathroom, but at least he knows where his penis is.
And, of course, as always, you can find the PV itself somewhere in the lands of YouTube.
MWA!