Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time for...A.Ra.Shi!
Oh, what's that? The group is called Arashi and their very first single was A.Ra.Shi? That's hella convenient!
Good thing, too, because if they relied on the power of the PV alone, Arashi would have fallen into JPop obscurity. People would have gone, hey, who's that group that sang that song with the blurry roller coaster-esque editing that may or may not have involved dancing and subliminal messages? Instead, they can now go, hey, who sang A.Ra.Shi? Was it a group called KAT-TUN?
And just think - you're an educated reader now! If this situation happens to you, you can reply: No, idiot! A.Ra.Shi's by Arashi! Also, the leader singer and the other short one are currently in a romantic affair. It's true, I saw it on the internets.
Of course, I say such statements, but in all honestly I think once you see the PV for A.Ra.Shi, the bright colors will never ever be washed away from your brain. And besides, if you for some reason missed that the song was in fact named A.Ra.Shi, then you could simply call it by its subtitle and people would know exactly what you're looking for -
Aka - The One Where Nino Can't Keep His Hand Off of His Crotch.
As alluded to before, A.Ra.Shi is slightly problematic in that it looooooves to use extremely quick edits - most likely so you aren't aware that your new favorite idols are a little less than perfect in their dancing skills. Although, such conscientiousness would dictate that sending your fans into epileptic seizures would hurt sales just as much, so maybe it was a case of "It's the 90s!" Because let's face it, even in 1999 music video producers were still in love with directors who liked to push random buttons.
However, as far as PV Series is concerned -
Who wants to cap crap like this?
Anyway...
Because things are a little choppy, the quality of all known existing copies of the A.Ra.Shi PV are a bit blurry, and our talent was so young at the time, it's helpful to learn them by color.
Thank you, Johnny's.
Our much molested leader Ohno is in yellow (not his regular color).
Our often failtastic MC Sho is in red (his regular color).
Our nipple loving baka Aiba is in orange (not his regular color).
Our possibly born in hell wunderkind Nino is in blue (only his color after conquests of Ohnotoria).
And lastly, our Fabby Fabulous King of Fabulosity MatsuFabmoto Jun Fab Jones is, naturally, in aquamarine (are you kidding? Would he purposely be caught dead in such a color? It's Orchid or the highway!)
You might have noticed, from that cap there, that being their first video...well they're lacking a little coordination. This is due to the fact that to save money, JE only choreographed half the video. Now, what is choreographed, for a group of teens ranging 16 to 19, is pretty good. Pretty awesome. Pretty dynamic! But when it's not choreographed, apparently the boys were told to just go with the flow. As a result, you get a lot of awkward standing that comes with inexperience; you only know to diva hand sing a chorus after a few years on the circuit, eh.
This also means that during individual moments, they're left to their own devices - Arashi Default Mode, as it were.
Sho's a rapper, so his default is getting a bit in your face and throwing his index finger about as if it actually meant something. This seems reasonable to me.
Aiba is a little confused, though. He thinks he needs to try to be cool and hip like Sho, and as a result runs into his own body alot.
But no worries, Aiba knows the first and most important rule of Arashi PVs:
Aiba Masaki is always gorgeous.
If Aiba Masaki is not gorgeous in a PV, then you better have a hell of a lot of rainbows going on to make up for it.
MatsuJun can't really be arsed to dance - there's a camera in the room, dammit.
The shutter opens, his eyes light up, and it's like a bug to a street light; I imagine there was a lot of MatsuJun ramming headfirst into the camera, crying out, "But I love you - why do you hurt me?"
Meanwhile, Nino...
...is ensuring a memo from head boss Johnny Kitagawa himself that says, "Never let the boys choreograph again - EVER."
Nino, honey, what did I tell you about putting your hand on your crotch?
Nino: What'd I tell you about putting my hand on my crotch?
And of course, there's Ohno, who, given all his dance experience outside of the club because he was doing concerts and plays in Kyoto while the other four
However...
It's a bit like looking at a completely different person, isn't it?! It doesn't seem like this is Ohno at all.
Instead, I watch A.Ra.Shi and feel the urge to call him Veronica.
And so, without any other theme to work on here (besides what Arashi themselves have told me: they are Superboy!), I am forced to conclude that most of the video is just the other members' efforts to court beautiful Vanessa here.
They all put their best face forward:
...hm, poor choice of words, then...
Vivienne: meh
Valeria: ehhhhhn
Velma: it takes more than that to impress me
Oh Sho. We can always count on you.
Vivica: I think we have a winner!
Sho's so chuffed about it, his hair's standing up.
(Easy, pervs, he's only 17.)
Nino: I want a recount
No time, Nino - just take this experience of losing, hold it in yourself, and let if fester until three years later when you suddenly develop a strange relationship that demands you constantly announce your feelings through rough and thorough molestation - preferably doing so while in a shiny outfit.
That isn't to say, though, that even when they're choreographed there's no missteps.
I mean, they're still just kids. Their first PV.
I wouldn't really expect them to be totally on and together, no matter how much training.
Even when we quarantine him, the hand on crotch germ seems to be spreading...
MatsuJun, sweetie - where you goin?
When dancing in a group, you're supposed to dance in a group.
Speaking of MatsuJun, how awesome is this:
In the middle of faux splits, he still has the presence of mind to hold his hand in a very poised and graceful way. Janice Dickinson would be proud.
James Brown, not so much, I think.
Still, I miss the faux splits! If you've seen any Arashi concert footage from the past six years, they don't faux split anymore! Why not, Arashi? 10th anniversary is coming up, how about it for old time's sakes?
I say this, and yet, I know in my head that perhaps if Arashi were to attempt faux splits in mid-concert right now, one of them could very well pop a ball.
I don't know the point of capping this moment, I just happen to like it. XD
If you've seen the PV before, you know that we've come across the break down in the middle of the song where all the impressive tricks are. Johnny's would like to use this moment to remind you:
I can understand flashing words like Everybody, Cool!, Superboy and others that appear in the song (so that in case you weren't listening, you'll still have the song stuck in your head by subliminal message!)
This, I don't get. I suspect at the time they were about to debut a group known as F Blow Infinity Kwesy O, but upon realizing that the acronym FBIKO wasn't nearly as catchy as A. Ra. Shi scrapped the whole thing entirely. (So that's why Toma didn't debut...)
But really, this is sort of
poi- WHOA. HOLD IT. GO BACK.
WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?!
HOLY JESUS IN A LAUNDROMAT, WHAT THE-
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
SHO!
WHAT EXACTLY IS GOING ON HERE?!
Sho: ...nothing...
OH REALLY?
Valencia: wuuuh? Sho won fair and square
It's a bit like walking into a modern surrealist art exhibit, isn't it?
That's right, Pup. You cover your Just Starting Particularly Awkward Puberty eyes.
Then we get to the part of the video that I lovingly refer to as
The Dick Salsa Ring.
Dick Salsa coming from the Gay Taco Party. (New Note: Just kidding! Apparently EVERYONE says Dick Salsa! Who knew?)
Because Sho saying Dick Salsa makes just as much sense as Diga Sou Sou. (Or whatever it may actually be - I watched 10 different TV performances that captioned everything but. See. It could be Dick Salsa and some network executive wisely said, hey, I'm not touching that.)
Let's take a step back from the PV, though, which was in 1999, and look a little closer to present date - 2007. Some fans have complained that Arashi no longer sing A.Ra.Shi but as late as the Final Time concert, on DVD, there it was.
And I can tell you, since about 2002, the only thing that really remained from the carefully choreographed PV was the Dick Salsa Ring and the bit done during the first chorus.
No faux splits. No possibly questionable material involving Sho's face in Ohno's crotch with MatsuJun sliding in underneath. No punch front, back hand spring, tour jete!
What they developed for A.Ra.Shi's break down instead is this:
MatsuJun and Sho don't have to cartwheel. This is perhaps wise, not because they're so great at locking, but because I've seen MatsuJun try to cartwheel and it wasn't pretty. Sho, I don't know, but my guess is his big arm muscles can't support the rest of his body.
It would only be fitting for Sho.
Team Fail for life, baby.
But hey, this is good. Doing this in concert is a huge step up from having them end up like this:
...oh Nino.
At least you're not touching your crotch anymore.
.......I think.
And thus, A.Ra.Shi ends.
How?
With the lot of them pretending that they're actually singing the harmony on the ending.
HA. HA. HA.
False advertising. Horrific editing. Awkward dancing.
I totally give his PV a B+.
After all -
No Aiba Masakis were uglified in the making of this PV.
Now, usually at this point I go into my spiel about seeing the PV itself by blah blah blah - but you know what? Not just yet my friends.
Because A.Ra.Shi is so awesome, it has TWO versions! That's right, it's the 1st AND 2nd PV!!
The second PV was directed by Takizawa Hideaki, or the Tackey part of JE duo Tackey & Tsubasa. (Oh? A clever nickname, perhaps?)
This is not some outside director coming in and pushing buttons.
Oh no. This is one of their own helming the vid.
Having said that, the outfits you now see aren't really Tackey's fault. Arashi did their first live performance in clear suits with only white boxers underneath. It's best to break talent early, you know. At least Tackey let them have shirts.
What is Tackey's fault, though, is the supreme Home Porn Vid feel to the entire second PV.
We've got all the standard Home Porn elements:
Unflattering angles;
Uncomfortable close ups during the wrong times;
A musical number;
A Dadaist art exhibit;
Cosplay;
Someone yelling, "What's my name?! Say my name!";
Vanna;
A horror movie in the middle;
And, of course, Christmas.
I know, Vera.
I know.
But at least even Tackey knew not to break the first rule of Arashi PV:
And that, my friends, is A.Ra.Shi.
I leave you now with a sort of bonus, so you're not walking away with images of Home Porn burned into your minds.
There's another thing Arashi has added to its live performances of A.Ra.Shi:
Unadulterated Ohno Butt Molestation.
I will give up faux splits for that any day.
As always, YouTube and others hold the PVs themselves. I know you can find both versions there, the aforementioned TV debut with plastic suits, a few TV performances including one that shows for sure that Cowboy Funtime Sho and Half Naked Matsujun weren't Tackey's doing either, a Shukudai-kun clip of Arashi messing up their well practiced dance when asked to do so with headphones and blindfolds on, and, lastly, even the Final Time clip.
MWA!